Staying Calm

We had another threatening letter today. I have had them before but not for a while. And all the old feelings of stress and worry have risen in me. It threatens to come around and visit (Barclays sending the boys in). It says they will come to collect the debt £22k of debt because yes of course we have that sort of money to give because if we did we would just not pay them and sit on it for fun.

But I must admit it is the stress of feeling that someone is going to come to the house and threaten me - they are never physically threatening but just the way they visit and the things they say. They have all the power and we have none. I have none.

So how am I going to deal with this. I need to stay calm. I need to let it wash over me. I have told him that he has to deal with it tonight. Not tomorrow but tonight.

So I am going to darts - I am going to have a good time, play darts, have a laugh and just get away for the time being.

What else can I do? Stress, stress, stress, make myself ill with worry and nothing changes, things only get worse.

I still pray to god that we will find a way to come out of this the other end - but not sure my prayers are being heard.

Christmas decos

I am still taking the bloody Christmas decorations down - why am I making such a meal out of it. I am glad Christmas is over and looking forward to a less muddled looking house. I just can't seem to get on with it.

Guess that is me.

Can't decide whether to throw the artificial tree away either - it is definitely starting to fall apart.

You know what I am chucking it.

New Year , new start - maybe we will have a real one for Christmas 2011.

That time of year

Life is not easy at the moment.

I am trying hard but feel just one, possibly insignificant event could make it too hard.

I am not sure I will be here this time next year.

I am not sure I am strong enough anymore.

Other days I am thankful for what I have,
I am thankful for what I am.
But it never lasts.

Please let 2011 be different - in a good way.
Please let 2011 be the end of my punishment for crimes I am unsure of.
Please.

Useless

I have lots to say since last posting but am moving away from marriage situation because I am feeling terrible.

I feel useless, hopeless, waste of time. What has brought me to this you ask, well probably you don't. I am in terrible financial debt, my marriage is pretty useless (must be me as well as him), I am not doing so well with the fostering either, I went to on a course to help me lose weight and guess what I weighed more at the end than I did at the beginning. Failure, failure, failure.

And worse than all this - worse than being fat, ugly and pretty unloveable is the fact that I am having problems at work again. Saturday I went in and the atmosphere was awful. It just got worse and worse and I have realised it must be me. This has happened to me three times at work already so it must be something about me that makes me difficult to work with. And I don't know what it is - I just can't seem to recognise it in myself - all I can think is - I am just a horrible person. And I came home and I felt sick and I ate and ate and I shouted at boy and I just wanted to curl up and die.

Truth is if I didn't have to work I probably wouldn't. But I do. If I didn't have to interact with people in a work situation I would just leave it. I tried and tried and I am crap at it. I was pretty crap at Uni also - Yet again it must be me. I guess I need to get a job where it is just me and no one else. A nice little loner job, where I can be left alone and not piss everyone off.

Sometimes I think my life would be much better is that is all I did. Lived alone (apart from my animals), worked alone and just made peace with myself. Cos I sure as hell can't make peace with anyone else. I actually feel guilty for feeling so sorry for myself. What is that all about?

And so this failure goes on in life, pissing everyone off, messing up lives and wishing it was different.

Update

I have spoken to the Fostering Support worker - it wasn't as bad as I thought. There may be a way for boy to stay. I can do this alone with support and help and lots of energy and confidence (oops could be in trouble there then). It is possible. Now we just have to decide when to tell boy and how to handle it. Hope he wants to stay - hope I can make it alone.

Also today I have tried to open a new bank account - one where all the money can go in to pay the day to day bill. They are thinking about it! Hope there thinking is good.

I now really have to ring up the benefits - I am putting it off - I mustn't put it off anymore.

I am finding writing on this blog really helps - I know no one is reading it but somehow just putting it out there is helping. If I thought someone I know was reading it I would probably be more worried and not be able to put my feelings down. Blogging can be very helpful to mental health - I guess this on line diary feels more public so you can get rid of stuff but not too public (does that make sense - probably not).

Leaving day

I think it is time for him to leave. Last few days he has been sleeping in the cabin and just wondering about looking lost. Tomorrow boy goes back to school and life returns to what is talked of as normal. Tomorrow I think he should leave. I will take the boy to school whilst he packs some bits and goes. This is my plan - whether it comes to fruition only time will tell.

I'll be honest I was surprised that he didn't even want to try and be different, he didn't even want to sit down and talk. But then I shouldn't be surprised as he hasn't wanted to talk for a long, long time.

Now I have to start to handle the money - good it is going to be a nightmare- claiming benefits, trying to sort out the massive debts, find out what I have to pay and what, if any, I don't. Start looking for a job that fits around boy (that should be easy then!) and sorting out if they will let boy stay. Maybe they will say that I am not fit to be a single foster mum. Who knows.

All I know is that I have to try - I have to try for me.