Applications

Applications; applications; applications. Apply for jobs that sound good; apply for jobs that sound OK; apply for jobs that will do. Applying.

Filling in endless forms about me - listing me. Listing my details; listing my qualifications; listing my jobs; listing, listing. Listing the jobs that sounded OK, that fit the criteria - missing out the ones that didn't work, that only lasted a while or were just bloody awful. Filling the dates up so that it all fits.

Sitting at the computer typing up dates and details and hoping; hoping that someone will be interested; someone will think - this person could be interesting, this person could be right, this person could be just what we are looking for. This person could be it.

Then the personal statement. What to say? What to say and how to say? Do I want to go on about me; go on with the I, I, I, me, me, me. Making it sound good, making it sound appropriate, making it sound exciting without being big headed, making it sound like it fits the job description.

Making it sound like this is a person they would like to see; this is a person they would like to interview; this is a person they would like to give a job too. Making it sound like this is a person!

Endless rounds of form filling; endless words to make me sound good; endless words to make me fit the job; to make it happen for me.

Will it happen? Will this come to anything or just another round of waiting for the phone to ring; waiting for the letter to drop through my door asking me to come and talk; to come and sell myself all over again?

Or will it just be nothing; no letter - no contact - no nothing. Never knowing what I did wrong; never knowing why I am not good enough for any of these jobs. Am I too old; too stupid; too fat; to ugly; to qualified; not qualified enough; just not right? Never right, never, never, right. Always, always, wrong.

Never, never knowing.

Even the no letter feels better that nothing.

Feels better that never, never never knowing.

Worry

Last night I was full of worry, worry, worry, worry. I have a pain and was worried about that - worried about what is being achieved, worried about what is not being achieved yadayadayaaaaa.

I lay awake wondering what terrible things the future holds and stiffening my body with anxiety and paini. I worry about my anger and my temper, I worry about my inability to cope with day to day - I worry, worry, worry.

Walking around the living room, physically shaking, unable to rest, unable to settle - trying to calm my mind into doing something else to take it all away. Trying.

Eventually a bath, trying. Returning, trying. And then lying in bed stiff with it all and hoping for some sleep if not a whole nights.

Worrying is a bitch - worrying about things you can do nothing about is useless and futile but doesn't mean you can stop it happening.

Staying Calm

We had another threatening letter today. I have had them before but not for a while. And all the old feelings of stress and worry have risen in me. It threatens to come around and visit (Barclays sending the boys in). It says they will come to collect the debt £22k of debt because yes of course we have that sort of money to give because if we did we would just not pay them and sit on it for fun.

But I must admit it is the stress of feeling that someone is going to come to the house and threaten me - they are never physically threatening but just the way they visit and the things they say. They have all the power and we have none. I have none.

So how am I going to deal with this. I need to stay calm. I need to let it wash over me. I have told him that he has to deal with it tonight. Not tomorrow but tonight.

So I am going to darts - I am going to have a good time, play darts, have a laugh and just get away for the time being.

What else can I do? Stress, stress, stress, make myself ill with worry and nothing changes, things only get worse.

I still pray to god that we will find a way to come out of this the other end - but not sure my prayers are being heard.

Christmas decos

I am still taking the bloody Christmas decorations down - why am I making such a meal out of it. I am glad Christmas is over and looking forward to a less muddled looking house. I just can't seem to get on with it.

Guess that is me.

Can't decide whether to throw the artificial tree away either - it is definitely starting to fall apart.

You know what I am chucking it.

New Year , new start - maybe we will have a real one for Christmas 2011.

First Day

This is my first day of being optimistic - of being fortified by optimism.

I ignored the tax rises and the ever increasing price of fuel. I can't afford to buy anything apart from essentials and I will just have to use my bike more. Choosing a different lifestyle can be very positive.

I ignored my bad foot and the fact that I didn't get everything I wanted done today. I did get my payclaim and letter done, I took stuff back to Asda and did food shopping. I brought some very cheap but pretty matching underwear because it makes me feel sexy.

I tried not to worry about work - I am doing nights which is just me and nobody to bother with. I watched some TV and I will do some writing this evening (if only a little it will be some).

I am working hard at looking on the bright side,
I am thinking hard to be optimistic.
I am thinking hard.
2011 will be a good year.
I will be happy.
Yeah

Christmas

I had a good christmas (even though I wasn't well and felt bit crap) it was still good, lots of family, friends, relaxing and joy.

I had a good night new year - it was fun and I felt closer to my husband than I have felt for such a long time.

A good omen for 2011 - yes, yes, yes. Because I want it to be.

I realise I have to think better of myself and the world for the world to be a better place.

I still hate work, I find some of the people I work with well, just terrible but have solved that by going back to nights. Tiring and grim sometimes but at least I have control.

I will apply for more jobs, I will be optimistic about getting one.

Life will be better.

Watch this space!

Monday 1st November 2010

The first of the month. The first day of the week. The first day on my own. The first day to make decisions and be strong and move forward. Kinda.

My plans (if that's what they are) haven't gone completely to plan (huh) but that is ok. He is going tomorrow. He has talked to me about money - that's an absolute miracle and we had a short stolen chat about the next few days and what is going to happen. Chatted today in 5 mins more than we have in weeks. He is going to give me £300 to help towards the mortgage - its a start - a big one. He has to pay his sister and the vet and darts and fags.... but I am pleased we spoke. I am pleased we communicated.

But now the really hard work begins. I have tried to speak to my fostering support worker. She is busy (which is what I expected). She is going to try and ring me in her break - she will if she can. So I spoke to a fostering support line, something I hadn't thought of doing before. It was helpful. She said I won't necessarily have boy taken away - decisions will be made in his best interests. God I hope living with me is in his best interests. I will have to prove myself (again), find out what the husbands intentions are (that should be interesting), and of course the most interesting is to find out what boy wants. Maybe he wont want to stay. Maybe he will want to move to a happy settled family (who could blame him). We'll see anyway. One step at a time.

Practically I need to sort out what debts we have; what debts my husband has (hoping that they are not one and the same), speak to my own children and hope they can begin to understand, open a new bank account for the bills, see if I can cut any more payments (unlikely), begin to look really seriously about getting a school job to fit in with boy. And so the list goes on. And so the list will change every day.

I feel fairly strong, sometimes I want to cry but mostly I just want to feel like I have more control. I feel like I might have a future whatever that would be.

I didn't sleep well last night, I am getting lots of breaks in my sleep but I guess this to be expected. I am worrying about how boy will react. But the plus side is that I am reading lots and hopefully today I will start writing. I have a great idea to write a teenage novel and have joined the write 50000 words in a month website so positives as well as negatives.

Tonight I am meeting a friend who has been down this route (kinda) for a drink in the pub.

Today

He admitted today that he wants to go and he is moving in with his sister. I feel scared to death and secretly relieved (if that is possible). Not at all sure how I am going to cope financially but will just have to plough on day to day and see what the future holds.

I pray every day for a miracle but miracles don't happen to people like me.