Update

I have spoken to the Fostering Support worker - it wasn't as bad as I thought. There may be a way for boy to stay. I can do this alone with support and help and lots of energy and confidence (oops could be in trouble there then). It is possible. Now we just have to decide when to tell boy and how to handle it. Hope he wants to stay - hope I can make it alone.

Also today I have tried to open a new bank account - one where all the money can go in to pay the day to day bill. They are thinking about it! Hope there thinking is good.

I now really have to ring up the benefits - I am putting it off - I mustn't put it off anymore.

I am finding writing on this blog really helps - I know no one is reading it but somehow just putting it out there is helping. If I thought someone I know was reading it I would probably be more worried and not be able to put my feelings down. Blogging can be very helpful to mental health - I guess this on line diary feels more public so you can get rid of stuff but not too public (does that make sense - probably not).

Leaving day

I think it is time for him to leave. Last few days he has been sleeping in the cabin and just wondering about looking lost. Tomorrow boy goes back to school and life returns to what is talked of as normal. Tomorrow I think he should leave. I will take the boy to school whilst he packs some bits and goes. This is my plan - whether it comes to fruition only time will tell.

I'll be honest I was surprised that he didn't even want to try and be different, he didn't even want to sit down and talk. But then I shouldn't be surprised as he hasn't wanted to talk for a long, long time.

Now I have to start to handle the money - good it is going to be a nightmare- claiming benefits, trying to sort out the massive debts, find out what I have to pay and what, if any, I don't. Start looking for a job that fits around boy (that should be easy then!) and sorting out if they will let boy stay. Maybe they will say that I am not fit to be a single foster mum. Who knows.

All I know is that I have to try - I have to try for me.