Christmas decos

I am still taking the bloody Christmas decorations down - why am I making such a meal out of it. I am glad Christmas is over and looking forward to a less muddled looking house. I just can't seem to get on with it.

Guess that is me.

Can't decide whether to throw the artificial tree away either - it is definitely starting to fall apart.

You know what I am chucking it.

New Year , new start - maybe we will have a real one for Christmas 2011.

First Day

This is my first day of being optimistic - of being fortified by optimism.

I ignored the tax rises and the ever increasing price of fuel. I can't afford to buy anything apart from essentials and I will just have to use my bike more. Choosing a different lifestyle can be very positive.

I ignored my bad foot and the fact that I didn't get everything I wanted done today. I did get my payclaim and letter done, I took stuff back to Asda and did food shopping. I brought some very cheap but pretty matching underwear because it makes me feel sexy.

I tried not to worry about work - I am doing nights which is just me and nobody to bother with. I watched some TV and I will do some writing this evening (if only a little it will be some).

I am working hard at looking on the bright side,
I am thinking hard to be optimistic.
I am thinking hard.
2011 will be a good year.
I will be happy.
Yeah

Christmas

I had a good christmas (even though I wasn't well and felt bit crap) it was still good, lots of family, friends, relaxing and joy.

I had a good night new year - it was fun and I felt closer to my husband than I have felt for such a long time.

A good omen for 2011 - yes, yes, yes. Because I want it to be.

I realise I have to think better of myself and the world for the world to be a better place.

I still hate work, I find some of the people I work with well, just terrible but have solved that by going back to nights. Tiring and grim sometimes but at least I have control.

I will apply for more jobs, I will be optimistic about getting one.

Life will be better.

Watch this space!

That time of year

Life is not easy at the moment.

I am trying hard but feel just one, possibly insignificant event could make it too hard.

I am not sure I will be here this time next year.

I am not sure I am strong enough anymore.

Other days I am thankful for what I have,
I am thankful for what I am.
But it never lasts.

Please let 2011 be different - in a good way.
Please let 2011 be the end of my punishment for crimes I am unsure of.
Please.

Useless

I have lots to say since last posting but am moving away from marriage situation because I am feeling terrible.

I feel useless, hopeless, waste of time. What has brought me to this you ask, well probably you don't. I am in terrible financial debt, my marriage is pretty useless (must be me as well as him), I am not doing so well with the fostering either, I went to on a course to help me lose weight and guess what I weighed more at the end than I did at the beginning. Failure, failure, failure.

And worse than all this - worse than being fat, ugly and pretty unloveable is the fact that I am having problems at work again. Saturday I went in and the atmosphere was awful. It just got worse and worse and I have realised it must be me. This has happened to me three times at work already so it must be something about me that makes me difficult to work with. And I don't know what it is - I just can't seem to recognise it in myself - all I can think is - I am just a horrible person. And I came home and I felt sick and I ate and ate and I shouted at boy and I just wanted to curl up and die.

Truth is if I didn't have to work I probably wouldn't. But I do. If I didn't have to interact with people in a work situation I would just leave it. I tried and tried and I am crap at it. I was pretty crap at Uni also - Yet again it must be me. I guess I need to get a job where it is just me and no one else. A nice little loner job, where I can be left alone and not piss everyone off.

Sometimes I think my life would be much better is that is all I did. Lived alone (apart from my animals), worked alone and just made peace with myself. Cos I sure as hell can't make peace with anyone else. I actually feel guilty for feeling so sorry for myself. What is that all about?

And so this failure goes on in life, pissing everyone off, messing up lives and wishing it was different.

Update

I have spoken to the Fostering Support worker - it wasn't as bad as I thought. There may be a way for boy to stay. I can do this alone with support and help and lots of energy and confidence (oops could be in trouble there then). It is possible. Now we just have to decide when to tell boy and how to handle it. Hope he wants to stay - hope I can make it alone.

Also today I have tried to open a new bank account - one where all the money can go in to pay the day to day bill. They are thinking about it! Hope there thinking is good.

I now really have to ring up the benefits - I am putting it off - I mustn't put it off anymore.

I am finding writing on this blog really helps - I know no one is reading it but somehow just putting it out there is helping. If I thought someone I know was reading it I would probably be more worried and not be able to put my feelings down. Blogging can be very helpful to mental health - I guess this on line diary feels more public so you can get rid of stuff but not too public (does that make sense - probably not).

Monday 1st November 2010

The first of the month. The first day of the week. The first day on my own. The first day to make decisions and be strong and move forward. Kinda.

My plans (if that's what they are) haven't gone completely to plan (huh) but that is ok. He is going tomorrow. He has talked to me about money - that's an absolute miracle and we had a short stolen chat about the next few days and what is going to happen. Chatted today in 5 mins more than we have in weeks. He is going to give me £300 to help towards the mortgage - its a start - a big one. He has to pay his sister and the vet and darts and fags.... but I am pleased we spoke. I am pleased we communicated.

But now the really hard work begins. I have tried to speak to my fostering support worker. She is busy (which is what I expected). She is going to try and ring me in her break - she will if she can. So I spoke to a fostering support line, something I hadn't thought of doing before. It was helpful. She said I won't necessarily have boy taken away - decisions will be made in his best interests. God I hope living with me is in his best interests. I will have to prove myself (again), find out what the husbands intentions are (that should be interesting), and of course the most interesting is to find out what boy wants. Maybe he wont want to stay. Maybe he will want to move to a happy settled family (who could blame him). We'll see anyway. One step at a time.

Practically I need to sort out what debts we have; what debts my husband has (hoping that they are not one and the same), speak to my own children and hope they can begin to understand, open a new bank account for the bills, see if I can cut any more payments (unlikely), begin to look really seriously about getting a school job to fit in with boy. And so the list goes on. And so the list will change every day.

I feel fairly strong, sometimes I want to cry but mostly I just want to feel like I have more control. I feel like I might have a future whatever that would be.

I didn't sleep well last night, I am getting lots of breaks in my sleep but I guess this to be expected. I am worrying about how boy will react. But the plus side is that I am reading lots and hopefully today I will start writing. I have a great idea to write a teenage novel and have joined the write 50000 words in a month website so positives as well as negatives.

Tonight I am meeting a friend who has been down this route (kinda) for a drink in the pub.