Life is not easy at the moment.
I am trying hard but feel just one, possibly insignificant event could make it too hard.
I am not sure I will be here this time next year.
I am not sure I am strong enough anymore.
Other days I am thankful for what I have,
I am thankful for what I am.
But it never lasts.
Please let 2011 be different - in a good way.
Please let 2011 be the end of my punishment for crimes I am unsure of.
Please.
Saturday, 18 December 2010
Monday, 6 December 2010
Useless
I have lots to say since last posting but am moving away from marriage situation because I am feeling terrible.
I feel useless, hopeless, waste of time. What has brought me to this you ask, well probably you don't. I am in terrible financial debt, my marriage is pretty useless (must be me as well as him), I am not doing so well with the fostering either, I went to on a course to help me lose weight and guess what I weighed more at the end than I did at the beginning. Failure, failure, failure.
And worse than all this - worse than being fat, ugly and pretty unloveable is the fact that I am having problems at work again. Saturday I went in and the atmosphere was awful. It just got worse and worse and I have realised it must be me. This has happened to me three times at work already so it must be something about me that makes me difficult to work with. And I don't know what it is - I just can't seem to recognise it in myself - all I can think is - I am just a horrible person. And I came home and I felt sick and I ate and ate and I shouted at boy and I just wanted to curl up and die.
Truth is if I didn't have to work I probably wouldn't. But I do. If I didn't have to interact with people in a work situation I would just leave it. I tried and tried and I am crap at it. I was pretty crap at Uni also - Yet again it must be me. I guess I need to get a job where it is just me and no one else. A nice little loner job, where I can be left alone and not piss everyone off.
Sometimes I think my life would be much better is that is all I did. Lived alone (apart from my animals), worked alone and just made peace with myself. Cos I sure as hell can't make peace with anyone else. I actually feel guilty for feeling so sorry for myself. What is that all about?
And so this failure goes on in life, pissing everyone off, messing up lives and wishing it was different.
I feel useless, hopeless, waste of time. What has brought me to this you ask, well probably you don't. I am in terrible financial debt, my marriage is pretty useless (must be me as well as him), I am not doing so well with the fostering either, I went to on a course to help me lose weight and guess what I weighed more at the end than I did at the beginning. Failure, failure, failure.
And worse than all this - worse than being fat, ugly and pretty unloveable is the fact that I am having problems at work again. Saturday I went in and the atmosphere was awful. It just got worse and worse and I have realised it must be me. This has happened to me three times at work already so it must be something about me that makes me difficult to work with. And I don't know what it is - I just can't seem to recognise it in myself - all I can think is - I am just a horrible person. And I came home and I felt sick and I ate and ate and I shouted at boy and I just wanted to curl up and die.
Truth is if I didn't have to work I probably wouldn't. But I do. If I didn't have to interact with people in a work situation I would just leave it. I tried and tried and I am crap at it. I was pretty crap at Uni also - Yet again it must be me. I guess I need to get a job where it is just me and no one else. A nice little loner job, where I can be left alone and not piss everyone off.
Sometimes I think my life would be much better is that is all I did. Lived alone (apart from my animals), worked alone and just made peace with myself. Cos I sure as hell can't make peace with anyone else. I actually feel guilty for feeling so sorry for myself. What is that all about?
And so this failure goes on in life, pissing everyone off, messing up lives and wishing it was different.
Monday, 1 November 2010
Update
I have spoken to the Fostering Support worker - it wasn't as bad as I thought. There may be a way for boy to stay. I can do this alone with support and help and lots of energy and confidence (oops could be in trouble there then). It is possible. Now we just have to decide when to tell boy and how to handle it. Hope he wants to stay - hope I can make it alone.
Also today I have tried to open a new bank account - one where all the money can go in to pay the day to day bill. They are thinking about it! Hope there thinking is good.
I now really have to ring up the benefits - I am putting it off - I mustn't put it off anymore.
I am finding writing on this blog really helps - I know no one is reading it but somehow just putting it out there is helping. If I thought someone I know was reading it I would probably be more worried and not be able to put my feelings down. Blogging can be very helpful to mental health - I guess this on line diary feels more public so you can get rid of stuff but not too public (does that make sense - probably not).
Also today I have tried to open a new bank account - one where all the money can go in to pay the day to day bill. They are thinking about it! Hope there thinking is good.
I now really have to ring up the benefits - I am putting it off - I mustn't put it off anymore.
I am finding writing on this blog really helps - I know no one is reading it but somehow just putting it out there is helping. If I thought someone I know was reading it I would probably be more worried and not be able to put my feelings down. Blogging can be very helpful to mental health - I guess this on line diary feels more public so you can get rid of stuff but not too public (does that make sense - probably not).
Monday 1st November 2010
The first of the month. The first day of the week. The first day on my own. The first day to make decisions and be strong and move forward. Kinda.
My plans (if that's what they are) haven't gone completely to plan (huh) but that is ok. He is going tomorrow. He has talked to me about money - that's an absolute miracle and we had a short stolen chat about the next few days and what is going to happen. Chatted today in 5 mins more than we have in weeks. He is going to give me £300 to help towards the mortgage - its a start - a big one. He has to pay his sister and the vet and darts and fags.... but I am pleased we spoke. I am pleased we communicated.
But now the really hard work begins. I have tried to speak to my fostering support worker. She is busy (which is what I expected). She is going to try and ring me in her break - she will if she can. So I spoke to a fostering support line, something I hadn't thought of doing before. It was helpful. She said I won't necessarily have boy taken away - decisions will be made in his best interests. God I hope living with me is in his best interests. I will have to prove myself (again), find out what the husbands intentions are (that should be interesting), and of course the most interesting is to find out what boy wants. Maybe he wont want to stay. Maybe he will want to move to a happy settled family (who could blame him). We'll see anyway. One step at a time.
Practically I need to sort out what debts we have; what debts my husband has (hoping that they are not one and the same), speak to my own children and hope they can begin to understand, open a new bank account for the bills, see if I can cut any more payments (unlikely), begin to look really seriously about getting a school job to fit in with boy. And so the list goes on. And so the list will change every day.
I feel fairly strong, sometimes I want to cry but mostly I just want to feel like I have more control. I feel like I might have a future whatever that would be.
I didn't sleep well last night, I am getting lots of breaks in my sleep but I guess this to be expected. I am worrying about how boy will react. But the plus side is that I am reading lots and hopefully today I will start writing. I have a great idea to write a teenage novel and have joined the write 50000 words in a month website so positives as well as negatives.
Tonight I am meeting a friend who has been down this route (kinda) for a drink in the pub.
My plans (if that's what they are) haven't gone completely to plan (huh) but that is ok. He is going tomorrow. He has talked to me about money - that's an absolute miracle and we had a short stolen chat about the next few days and what is going to happen. Chatted today in 5 mins more than we have in weeks. He is going to give me £300 to help towards the mortgage - its a start - a big one. He has to pay his sister and the vet and darts and fags.... but I am pleased we spoke. I am pleased we communicated.
But now the really hard work begins. I have tried to speak to my fostering support worker. She is busy (which is what I expected). She is going to try and ring me in her break - she will if she can. So I spoke to a fostering support line, something I hadn't thought of doing before. It was helpful. She said I won't necessarily have boy taken away - decisions will be made in his best interests. God I hope living with me is in his best interests. I will have to prove myself (again), find out what the husbands intentions are (that should be interesting), and of course the most interesting is to find out what boy wants. Maybe he wont want to stay. Maybe he will want to move to a happy settled family (who could blame him). We'll see anyway. One step at a time.
Practically I need to sort out what debts we have; what debts my husband has (hoping that they are not one and the same), speak to my own children and hope they can begin to understand, open a new bank account for the bills, see if I can cut any more payments (unlikely), begin to look really seriously about getting a school job to fit in with boy. And so the list goes on. And so the list will change every day.
I feel fairly strong, sometimes I want to cry but mostly I just want to feel like I have more control. I feel like I might have a future whatever that would be.
I didn't sleep well last night, I am getting lots of breaks in my sleep but I guess this to be expected. I am worrying about how boy will react. But the plus side is that I am reading lots and hopefully today I will start writing. I have a great idea to write a teenage novel and have joined the write 50000 words in a month website so positives as well as negatives.
Tonight I am meeting a friend who has been down this route (kinda) for a drink in the pub.
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Leaving day
I think it is time for him to leave. Last few days he has been sleeping in the cabin and just wondering about looking lost. Tomorrow boy goes back to school and life returns to what is talked of as normal. Tomorrow I think he should leave. I will take the boy to school whilst he packs some bits and goes. This is my plan - whether it comes to fruition only time will tell.
I'll be honest I was surprised that he didn't even want to try and be different, he didn't even want to sit down and talk. But then I shouldn't be surprised as he hasn't wanted to talk for a long, long time.
Now I have to start to handle the money - good it is going to be a nightmare- claiming benefits, trying to sort out the massive debts, find out what I have to pay and what, if any, I don't. Start looking for a job that fits around boy (that should be easy then!) and sorting out if they will let boy stay. Maybe they will say that I am not fit to be a single foster mum. Who knows.
All I know is that I have to try - I have to try for me.
I'll be honest I was surprised that he didn't even want to try and be different, he didn't even want to sit down and talk. But then I shouldn't be surprised as he hasn't wanted to talk for a long, long time.
Now I have to start to handle the money - good it is going to be a nightmare- claiming benefits, trying to sort out the massive debts, find out what I have to pay and what, if any, I don't. Start looking for a job that fits around boy (that should be easy then!) and sorting out if they will let boy stay. Maybe they will say that I am not fit to be a single foster mum. Who knows.
All I know is that I have to try - I have to try for me.
Friday, 29 October 2010
Today
He admitted today that he wants to go and he is moving in with his sister. I feel scared to death and secretly relieved (if that is possible). Not at all sure how I am going to cope financially but will just have to plough on day to day and see what the future holds.
I pray every day for a miracle but miracles don't happen to people like me.
I pray every day for a miracle but miracles don't happen to people like me.
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Today - Day One??
Today I asked my husband to leave.
It is something I have been thinking about for a long, long time.
Today I am thinking no more.
I am no longer frightened of being alone; I am no longer afraid of my own shortcomings. Being in this relationship is worse than not being in it - the balance has turned.
I have nothing to lose but my sanity.
D
It is something I have been thinking about for a long, long time.
Today I am thinking no more.
I am no longer frightened of being alone; I am no longer afraid of my own shortcomings. Being in this relationship is worse than not being in it - the balance has turned.
I have nothing to lose but my sanity.
D
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