Applications

Applications; applications; applications. Apply for jobs that sound good; apply for jobs that sound OK; apply for jobs that will do. Applying.

Filling in endless forms about me - listing me. Listing my details; listing my qualifications; listing my jobs; listing, listing. Listing the jobs that sounded OK, that fit the criteria - missing out the ones that didn't work, that only lasted a while or were just bloody awful. Filling the dates up so that it all fits.

Sitting at the computer typing up dates and details and hoping; hoping that someone will be interested; someone will think - this person could be interesting, this person could be right, this person could be just what we are looking for. This person could be it.

Then the personal statement. What to say? What to say and how to say? Do I want to go on about me; go on with the I, I, I, me, me, me. Making it sound good, making it sound appropriate, making it sound exciting without being big headed, making it sound like it fits the job description.

Making it sound like this is a person they would like to see; this is a person they would like to interview; this is a person they would like to give a job too. Making it sound like this is a person!

Endless rounds of form filling; endless words to make me sound good; endless words to make me fit the job; to make it happen for me.

Will it happen? Will this come to anything or just another round of waiting for the phone to ring; waiting for the letter to drop through my door asking me to come and talk; to come and sell myself all over again?

Or will it just be nothing; no letter - no contact - no nothing. Never knowing what I did wrong; never knowing why I am not good enough for any of these jobs. Am I too old; too stupid; too fat; to ugly; to qualified; not qualified enough; just not right? Never right, never, never, right. Always, always, wrong.

Never, never knowing.

Even the no letter feels better that nothing.

Feels better that never, never never knowing.

SHOUTING

He shouted. Shouted really loud - right into my face. No, NO, NO. He came closer - still shouting. I put my hand up to stop him getting closer. I was calm. I felt my hand touch his chest, palm flat against him. He stopped. He was frustrated. And angry, very, very, angry. But he stopped.

I calmed asked him to stop. He looked at me and for just a second I wondered if I had misjudged him; was he going to strike me. And for a second I wondered if the same thought was going through his head. Was he going to strike me. Instead he moved back - shouted again, biting his hand in anger and left the room. Left the room to go upstairs and into his bedroom.

I know that with his disability he will probably hurt himself, pull off his bandages and split open his wound; break or rip or damage something. I know this.

And then the doubts come in - did I need to say no. Should I have just let him do it and then not worried but the trouble is he needs safe barriers, he needs to know that his environment is safe and sometimes this means saying no. It means he has to understand that he can't do everything he wants to do.

I felt wobbly inside. Like a shock wave coming over me. It had been such a nice shift but all of a sudden it was awful, painful even, frightening. I just wanted to run; to hide; to leave. But I couldn't. So I carried on - went into the office to calm and feel safe for me.

I had another shift to do the next day - I couldn't do it - it was too hard - what would happen next time. Would I give in from fear? Would I stand my ground? Would he go further? Would he hit me?

I have been over and over this incident. Was it my fault? Am I to blame? Yet I know in my soul I am not to blame. So I feel a failure, I fear my next shift, I know missing a shift is a black mark against me.

All the old fear, all the old failures come rushing back. Why can I not face the world and deal with it? Those days were bad. Like it is all to much for me. It is all too much for me.

And yet I carry on - like many people I have to. But each day, each incident makes me more aware of my need to balance and keep well. And each incident takes away something that takes such a long time to come back.

That time of year

Life is not easy at the moment.

I am trying hard but feel just one, possibly insignificant event could make it too hard.

I am not sure I will be here this time next year.

I am not sure I am strong enough anymore.

Other days I am thankful for what I have,
I am thankful for what I am.
But it never lasts.

Please let 2011 be different - in a good way.
Please let 2011 be the end of my punishment for crimes I am unsure of.
Please.

Leaving day

I think it is time for him to leave. Last few days he has been sleeping in the cabin and just wondering about looking lost. Tomorrow boy goes back to school and life returns to what is talked of as normal. Tomorrow I think he should leave. I will take the boy to school whilst he packs some bits and goes. This is my plan - whether it comes to fruition only time will tell.

I'll be honest I was surprised that he didn't even want to try and be different, he didn't even want to sit down and talk. But then I shouldn't be surprised as he hasn't wanted to talk for a long, long time.

Now I have to start to handle the money - good it is going to be a nightmare- claiming benefits, trying to sort out the massive debts, find out what I have to pay and what, if any, I don't. Start looking for a job that fits around boy (that should be easy then!) and sorting out if they will let boy stay. Maybe they will say that I am not fit to be a single foster mum. Who knows.

All I know is that I have to try - I have to try for me.

Today

He admitted today that he wants to go and he is moving in with his sister. I feel scared to death and secretly relieved (if that is possible). Not at all sure how I am going to cope financially but will just have to plough on day to day and see what the future holds.

I pray every day for a miracle but miracles don't happen to people like me.

The begining

http://uk.ask.com/wiki/Hypergraphia

Just in case you need to know.