Angry

God he makes me so angry - it is like he just doesn't listen to anything. Then he moans about how he is treated and how his life has panned out.

Well here's the news - Step Up - yeah, listen, get it right and be bothered.

Yet again I have ended up being really angry about something that is really small and trivial but that is also really, really annoying. What is so hard about listening? Maybe he just can't listen anymore, or never could.

Now I am trying to calm down and get my act together. I feel shaky and stress and anxious but why - I should have just dealt with it.

So what am I going to do about it? Well set some new rules. He is going to pay for tonight - he gets plenty of money and even others are starting to say he is a brat. He is also going to pay for the container that has not come home from school today. If if doesn't come home he is to buy another.

I will supervise him putting his clothes away, I will supervise him putting his clothes in the dirty bin, I will supervise all the little domestic chores just like when he first arrived.

Needless to say the hand held computer has been confiscated and the dog will not be sleeping in his room.

Will it work - probably not but we have to try. He has to listen and we have to try.

Dix

Useless

I have lots to say since last posting but am moving away from marriage situation because I am feeling terrible.

I feel useless, hopeless, waste of time. What has brought me to this you ask, well probably you don't. I am in terrible financial debt, my marriage is pretty useless (must be me as well as him), I am not doing so well with the fostering either, I went to on a course to help me lose weight and guess what I weighed more at the end than I did at the beginning. Failure, failure, failure.

And worse than all this - worse than being fat, ugly and pretty unloveable is the fact that I am having problems at work again. Saturday I went in and the atmosphere was awful. It just got worse and worse and I have realised it must be me. This has happened to me three times at work already so it must be something about me that makes me difficult to work with. And I don't know what it is - I just can't seem to recognise it in myself - all I can think is - I am just a horrible person. And I came home and I felt sick and I ate and ate and I shouted at boy and I just wanted to curl up and die.

Truth is if I didn't have to work I probably wouldn't. But I do. If I didn't have to interact with people in a work situation I would just leave it. I tried and tried and I am crap at it. I was pretty crap at Uni also - Yet again it must be me. I guess I need to get a job where it is just me and no one else. A nice little loner job, where I can be left alone and not piss everyone off.

Sometimes I think my life would be much better is that is all I did. Lived alone (apart from my animals), worked alone and just made peace with myself. Cos I sure as hell can't make peace with anyone else. I actually feel guilty for feeling so sorry for myself. What is that all about?

And so this failure goes on in life, pissing everyone off, messing up lives and wishing it was different.

Update

I have spoken to the Fostering Support worker - it wasn't as bad as I thought. There may be a way for boy to stay. I can do this alone with support and help and lots of energy and confidence (oops could be in trouble there then). It is possible. Now we just have to decide when to tell boy and how to handle it. Hope he wants to stay - hope I can make it alone.

Also today I have tried to open a new bank account - one where all the money can go in to pay the day to day bill. They are thinking about it! Hope there thinking is good.

I now really have to ring up the benefits - I am putting it off - I mustn't put it off anymore.

I am finding writing on this blog really helps - I know no one is reading it but somehow just putting it out there is helping. If I thought someone I know was reading it I would probably be more worried and not be able to put my feelings down. Blogging can be very helpful to mental health - I guess this on line diary feels more public so you can get rid of stuff but not too public (does that make sense - probably not).